Double-Oh Five
by godotaintcoming
Summary: Sam thinks he's the Q to Five's Bond. Maxine would like to beg to differ. A little Sam/Five


**Author's note: **I guess this is technically my first ever fanfiction. Unless you count some really bad Harry Potter pieces I wrote when I was twelve. Which I don't. I don't have a beta so feedback would be awesome! I tried to do a weird thing with Bond film conventions. See if you can spot them all (or don't, I'm not your comms operator). By the way, I completely forgot that they actually reference James Bond in one of the 5K missions. And yes, I am just as guilty as the rest of the Z!R fandom of shipping Sam/Five.

[A view of a glamorous, high-rise skyscraper, twinkling in the sun.]

[Cut to a dolly zoom of a dizzyingly tall stairwell.]

The sound of hurried footfalls bounced off the grey brickwork, carrying up through the long stairwell. Panting slightly, Runner Five scaled a few more flights before coming to a halt. She made a quick note of the large number painted on the wall opposite her, reflecting the fluorescent lighting, before hunching over slightly, trying to catch her breath. Once her breathing had returned to normal, Five said, "Are you sure there aren't things I can grab on any of the lower floors?"

A little crackling sounded from her headset, and then a voice. "Sorry, Five, it is a bit of a trek, I know. But we've sent runners to that building before, and no one ever finds anything useful until at least the fifteenth floor or so. Most of the lower floors were probably cleared out or destroyed during the initial panic." The sympathy in Sam's voice was of decidedly very little help, Runner Five thought, as she pushed off of the railing with her left hand and proceeded to climb the stairs once more.

Just once, Runner Five thought, it would be nice to be the voice lounging before the communications array, and not the body out in the field. Just once.

[Introductory credits roll.]

After what felt like ages, Sam's voice finally indicated that she should stop and explore the rest of the floor. Runner Five went over toward the only door present and wrenched the steel bar down with both arms, feeling her muscles strain with the weight of the door as she pushed through. She was happy to finally be running level, though, and turned to jog down the hallway.

"So, just a reminder, you're looking for anything that might improve our communications situation here at Abel, Five. Anything at all. Phones, laptops if you can carry them, even some more USBs would be good."

Runner Five nodded her head, before remembering Sam couldn't see her. "Yep, got it."

She paused before an office and was just about to enter it in the hopes of finding an abandoned laptop when she glimpsed something between the window blinds shielding the interior from view. There was definitely something moving in there. "Sam," she hissed as she slowly crouched down below the window, "I thought you said there weren't any zoms in here."

"…There aren't."

"So I suppose those are just regular people shuffling around a bit of paperwork in the office, eh?"

She could envision Sam sitting in his seat, eyes wide and at a loss for what to do. "Have they seen you?"

Five lifted her head and peered through to the interior of the office again. The zombies were still standing around aimlessly, though one of them did seem rather intent on sweeping everything on the desk to the floor. "No. I think it should be alright."

[Cue James Bond Theme]

She gingerly edged past the office, stood up and was just about to heave a sigh of relief when another lumbering form was framed in the corner of her eye. The building, it seemed, was actually teeming with zombies. She leapt quickly behind the first thing she saw, realising a second later what it was.

"I can't believe I'm actually trying to hide from zombies behind a _potted plant_." From the other end, Five could hear Sam chuckling. "Some secret agent you'd make. Actually, now that I think about it, that building you're in does remind me an awful lot of that skyscraper in _Skyfall_. All glass walls."

Five rolled her eyes, and ensured that the zombie's back was turned before sidling against the wall and around the corner. She managed to dodge a few more zombies and had even picked up a headset before whispering, "I'd make a bloody good Bond, I'll have you know. Daniel Craig ain't got nothin' on me." Laughter sounded in reply, and it was times like this Five really was grateful that Sam was her radio operator. She didn't really mind being too silly with him, and she couldn't imagine having this much fun on missions if she'd have had any other operator.

"Hey, how awesome would it have been if someone had crossed over James Bond and zombies? Man, I would have paid to see that. Well, I'd pay to see any Bond movie really, but still. They would have made much better villains than… what was that short butler guy called? Nick Nack, that's it. That fight was just ridiculous." Five hummed her agreement as she stooped to pick up a long-forgotten Apple iPhone off the ground.

"So, if you're Bond, does that make me Q?" "Are you sure you're not more of a Moneypenny?"

[Record scratch.]

Five blinked at the sound of Dr Maxine Myers' voice filling her headset, which was followed by a lot of undiscernible clattering. She registered the sound of Sam swearing and saying, "How long have you been back there?!"

"Long enough to realise that you and Runner Five aren't taking this mission nearly seriously enough."

Runner Five ducked her head in abashment, once again forgetting that they couldn't actually see her. The tone of Maxine's voice was only slightly chiding, however, and was more amused if anything. "If you think you've collected as much as you can carry, Five, you can probably start heading on back now. If you're done playing secret agent, that is."

Finding that her backpack was indeed full, Five started for the stairwell through which she had come up earlier, mentally groaning when she remembered how long it had taken her. She was one foot through the door, listening to the sound of Sam arguing with Maxine about why he was Q and _most certainly not Moneypenny_ when she stopped dead still. A moan was emitting from right behind her, and it took one second of realisation before Five leapt onto the stairwell and began descending much faster than she had come up.

_"…IVE AND I DO NOT CONSTANTLY FLIR-" _"Five, what's happening?!"

"They noticed me," Five muttered by way of succinct explanation. She didn't have to turn and look behind her to know that a number of zombies had followed quickly upon her heels, and the cacophonous noise they were making as they lumbered down, colliding into each other more often than not, would only alert more on the other floors.

[Cue dramatic, chase scene music.]

Sam jumped into action, scanning the footage before him. "Alright. Once you've left the building, head right. You should see a small alley close by which might work as a bottleneck. You can do it, Five. Just run."

Once the never-ending stairwell finally came to an end, Five did as directed. Leading a bunch of surprisingly agile undead office workers out of the entrance, she immediately veered right, and just barely missed flying right into what could once have been called a luxury car. She recovered herself quickly. The alley was just ahead of her, and Five was feeling confident; a number of zombies had already fallen behind, trapped as they were in the building's revolving door. She slipped into the alleyway nimbly. Sam was right; they had to chase her in near single file now. However, the benefits of the plan quickly evaporated as she noticed the wall which would very soon halt her escape. "Sam… wall," was all Five could get out as she ran headlong towards it.

"Er, yes. There's a door coming up on your left. Go through there and you should be able to lock it behind you."

Five skidded to a halt and grasped at the knob of said door desperately. "It's not opening," she exclaimed, panic clear in the high inflection of her voice.

[Long shot of pursuing zombies. Leader at the head is a sprinter. His face has been grotesquely slashed.]

"Of course it will! Put your back into it!" Sam urged. Not even pausing to think, Five drove the corner of her shoulder into the door and felt it give way to the force of her weight. Quickly, she slipped in and slammed the door behind her, before deftly turning the lock. Backing away from it, she felt the resistance of a wall behind her and sank to the floor. She then leant back against it in relief at seeing the door holding strong against the hammering of the zombies behind it. They would not be getting in any time soon.

Silence reigned for almost a minute, before Five queried, "Sam, did you just _consciously _make a _Skyfall_ reference when it was very possible I was about to die?"

The only answer that came was the unmistakeable sound of Sam being whacked upside the head, courtesy of one Doctor Maxine Myers.


End file.
